Best of best tweets

I have been using Twitter for quite some time and now and have come across some wonderful and funny tweets and thus I decided to compile the best of them. You can also call these funny one liners. I have credited the right people too- those that originally wrote the tweets. This is also only a short list, many more good ones still to come.



Our plane's been waiting for clearance to take off so long, the toddler behind me has spoken 3 new words. Not nice ones, either- toldorknown


I told her there were starving kids in China who wud gladly eat her sandwich. She- "Yeah? Name a few." She gets this from her mother-trelvix


China has blocked Twitter. Now 1.3 billion people will have no idea what I'm having for lunch- badbanana


I just found $20 under my bed! My god, my room is so desperate to be cleaned, it's paying me. THE PLAN WORKED- zolora


Someone at Google claimed YouTube was the biggest office timewaster. I'll need to see their data. Clearly they aren't on Twitter- joeschmitt


 "Can I interrupt your reading with a question?" "You just did." "Fine! Can I ask a second question?" "You just did."- vmarinelli


The restaurant across the street has gone out of business. I will miss wondering how it stays open- badbanana


The sound that's made when I drum on my stomach has gone from Bongo to Timpani. This is an unwelcome development- essdogg


There are ways in which I have not yet embarrassed my children today, but there are several hours remaining, and I am ambitious- vmarinelli


Is there anything more embarrassing than waving back at someone who wasn't waving at you? I mean besides tweeting about it- biorhythmist


Had iPhone off at lunch & heard birds tweeting. Nothing interesting- mostly celebrity retweets & what they had for lunch- joeschmitt


Wife: Why do you care if they laugh? You've never even met these people. Me: Well, we've intermet. Wife: You are so stupid- awryone


My mother's silent treatments consist of her calling me, to ask if I've noticed that she is giving me the silent treatment- Yayaa


Twitter would be a lot more useful if it could tell me what I *should* be doing right now- joeschmidt


I'm working again where there is no cell phone coverage. If anyone needs me, send a smoke signal- danielle_i


Error 4:04PM, Motivation Not Found- notasausag


I may have hesitated *just* a moment too long when she asked for my Twitter username. If u'll excuse me, I have to delete some old posts-tj


Sure it's tough to get up a 5AM & run 4 miles, but bragging about it to strangers on the internet makes it all worthwhile- CranberryPerson


The Senate passed a credit card overhaul bill today. It was approved after two swipes- badbanana


Finally manage to teach my 3 yr old daughter the word "microphone." She then goes to my wife: "Mom, where's your crophone?"-rafitorres


Tsrut mee, you dno't wnat to get haisrpay in youur eeys.- aedison


Her:"The lightbulbs are over the dryer" Me:"The rooster flies east at dawn" Her: "What?" Me: "Oh, I thought we were talking like spies"-tj


Pondering ways I can use the situation in North Korea to get out of my afternoon meeting.- badbanana


"How do I find a search engine? Should I just Google one?" "Step away from the computer. Slowly."- smilinbjones


"Medium no. 8, with a Coke, to go, plz." "Medium or large?" "I just-- Med." "Any drink?" "A Coke." "For here or to go?" "To go"-adamisacson